Today I submitted an application for Fulton County. Now this may seem like the normal progression of things to most, but in my heart I don't know if saying the "Pledge of Allegiance" every morning and being cut off by obnoxious bells is where I want to be. There was this time a few years ago in a 9th grade classroom when I got this feeling of overwhelming rightness. I don't know if that is proper use, but that is what it was. I knew, I mean I knew, that teaching was my calling. I was meant to stand before curious students and preach the good words of ancient and contemporary truths, to ask unanswerable questions, and to learn by teaching for a long, long time. Unfortunately my heart is no longer filled with that rightness. I find myself struggling to remember my passions regarding public education, I make lists of the things I wanted to do, the impact I hoped to make. I forget so easily and it is so very hard to jog my memory (which is probably as good as a newborn baby's to begin with) of why I wanted to be there in the first place.
The real world jitters or anxiousness of becoming a real life grown-up is common, from what I have been told, for most college graduates. I listen and nod and pretend like the advice, that I am not really even asking for, makes sense or helps guide me. Truth is, I don't know if this is only butterflies about becoming a big kid or if I have spent the past few years preparing for a life that is not going to be mine. All I am sure of is that whatever I do for my career will be something I am passionate about. I get to make that choice. I just have to remember my passions first.
I submitted my application today because I owe it to myself to try this on my own, for a little while. Hopefully I will get the job at my school now for the last semester. That way I don't have to sign in blood for an entire year. I can get my feet wet, have my own classroom, and make a better decision when I am hopefully at a more stable period in my life.
My certainties often cower in the face of my doubts. I am losing my knack for convincing myself of things. Wish me luck I guess.
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1 comment:
I haven't even contemplated turning anything in yet. I'm glad you did it-- like we discussed, you can learn the ropes (hate them if you decide) and make some cash in the mean time. If not...
we'll work on that bicycle delivery hummus idea.
Best of luck, and I will blog again in the near future-- this meaning probably tonight after grocery shopping!
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