Balancing the Madness

I have been trying to read for pleasure in an attempt to balance the madness that is right now.  

I am keeping to essays and poetry, both of which, like TVDs as opposed to movies, are much less of a time commitment, as time is a commodity right now.

From The Algebra of Infinite Justice by Arundhati Roy

          excerpt taken from "The End of Imagination"

"To love.  To be loved.  To never forget your own insignificance.  To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you.  To seek joy in the saddest of places.  To pursue beauty to its lair.  To never simplify what is complicated and never complicate what is simple.  To respect strength, never power.  Above all, to watch.  To try and understand.  To never look away.  And never, never, to forget." 

[on living while you are alive]

From Beautiful Losers by Leonard Cohen

"What is a saint?"

"What is a saint?  A saint is someone who has achieved a remote human possibility.  It is impossible to say what that possibility is.  I think it has something to do with the energy of love.  Contact with this energy results in the exercise of a kind of balance in the chaos of existence.  A saint does not dissolve the chaos; if he did the world would have changed long ago.  I do not think that a saint dissolves the chaos even for himself, for there is something arrogant and warlike in the notion of a man setting the universe in order.  It is a kind of balance that is his glory.  He rides the drifts like an escaped ski.  His course is a caress of the hill.  His track is a drawing of the snow in a moment of its particular arrangement with wind and rock. Something in him so loves the world that he gives himself to the laws of gravity and chance.  Far from flying with the angels, he traces with the fidelity of a seismograph needle the state of the solid body landscape.  His house is dangerous and finite, but he is at home in the world.  He can love the shapes of human beings, the fine and twisted shapes of the heart.  It is good to have among us such men, such balancing monsters of love."

These thoughts help me to realize that my driving passion is love.  Those who do not understand my pursuits in life, who write me off as a hippy wanting to study trivial matters, who think it strange that I want to better understand human beings and the effects of history on us and the ways in which we will affect the history that has yet to come, are not guided by the same passions.  I will try to love and understand those people as well, as they are human beings just as I am.

Here's to Feeling Good, Here's to Feeling Bad

Einstein said that one should "try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value."

He was smart guy, but still not smart enough to use gender neutral language.   This idea of success and how to define it is always pressing on my heart.  How do I know that I have been successful?  When will I know?

I question what Einstein would have classified as "value."  Does value amount to goodness?  Is being good doing the right thing?  What is the right thing?  Life never stops punching me in the face with questions. 

My life has become a terribly stressful attempt to prove myself.  I have spent three months on a paper that is still incomplete and that, with deadlines fast approaching, I am turning my nose up at.  It isn't good enough.  I am not good enough.  

22 pages, three months, 400 cups of coffee, and 40 books later, I am still not satisfied.  

I do not feel that I have been 'successful' at accurately representing my skills.  

When is good enough good enough?  How will I measure my success?

What if I don't get accepted to any of these schools?  

After all of this work?

I will sit tomorrow with this paper and try to wrap it up.  It will then only be the first of many drafts.  I have never set out on a task quite as daunting as this.  It makes me question my discipline, my drive.    

The GRE studying is a totally different.  If success is measured by discipline then I am a failure.  I have learned new words, but I love words so that isn't hard.  I can't do math.  My brain, my heart, my spirit - none of which are interested in the Pythagorean theorem.  

I have felt, more than anything, like an underachiever lately.  I find that my frustration sprouts from my ability to be so easily distracted with feelings and thoughts.  My little journal is always begging me to reflect on the day.  I feel that discipline helps drive success.  How am I supposed to be successful and balance all these emotions that are in me?  Hypnotists?  

I feel successful as an activist for the first time in my life.

I sponsor my school's Gay/Straight Alliance (GSA) and I have been pretty successful at exciting my students.

I have been successful at ensuring that my students are protected and feel safe to be themselves...whatever that means.

I have come up against slight conflict within my rather conservative school, but surprisingly, have stood strong.  I have never been one to back down, but on the same token, have never been one to get myself into conflict that I must stand strong.  I don't mind this kind of conflict though - conflict I believe in, conflict that protects my 1st Amendment rights, my student's safety, and awakens the activist in all of my students.  It is exciting.  I have been successful at this.  

Tomorrow I will be attending a candlelight vigil to oppose Proposition 8.  

My closest friend at work is a lesbian and has been with her partner for 8 years.  They are in love.  

More in love than many I have met.  Their relationship works better than many straight couples I have known.  

Damn sure works better than the relationships that I have been a part of.  It is a terrible tragedy to me that this 

phenomenal lady can't ceremoniously join in union with the love of her life, simply because the love of her life is also a her.

It is inspiring to me that my students are willing to stand for the fights they believe in and be so selfless at such a young age.

I wish I had been as successful at being a good person at such a young age.  It took me a lot longer to realize that the world is much, much larger than me.  

Life really is about balance:  with understanding the realities of love, with one's self, with ones thoughts, being sure to live deliberately but also indulge in impulse at times, balance of waking and sleeping, work and sanity, reality and daydreaming, doing and being.  It is difficult in remembering to give the difficulty of finding balance when looking upon yourself with a critical eye.  I do try.

Oh, oh, I am also very good at making Hot Toddy's.  That, for sure, is one of my successes.  

December 1 = GRE

December 15 = Deadlines for NYU and UT Austin

Obama-Rham-a!

I am still reeling and I am so hopeful and I care. I really just cannot believe it.

November 5, 2008...

a New York Times was impossible to find (if any of you have an extra...please send it to me).
my students saw my hope as I became emotional talking about what this means for the future of our country and for them
I experienced something that I never imagined I would - good history
I was, for the first time in my life, truly, proud to be an American.

I was the best kind of tired I have ever been on Wednesday as I could not sleep Tuesday night. I lay awake not believing what happened...giggling to myself and thinking that maybe, just maybe, our country has finally wisened up. I lay awake in confusion because I have never had this much hope in one leader, I have never been so moved by choices this nation has made, and I have never felt that my voice was heard. Time for never to be put to rest.

Wednesday I sat looking at my students knowing that the days of doubting oneself due to societal representations are numbered. Thinking that these kids and their kid's kids will grow to truly believe that they can be anything they want to be. I don't remember ever feeling so happy. My african american boys have an idol other than a rapper or an NBA star now...they have the President of the United States of America. It fuels my desire to go back to school even more, study history, witness our nation's history morph and change, and teach tolerance.

I didn't know much about Biden when Obama picked him, but I do know a lot about ole' Rahm Emmanuel. I know he's a badass. I know that he is a good person (well, as far as politicians go) and I know that he will do a great job! Finally we have people in the White House who care about people! Not people who care about money and put on this facade of caring about the lives of the soldiers they are sending to die.

More things that make me happy right now:

This article drawing parallels to the West Wing and our made for t.v country.

and the end of an era, thanks Edward Gorey:

Mid-Election Day Reflection

From this morning as I was waiting to vote:

Ms. Pearl just arrived to vote for the man who, according to Michael Eric Dyson will "integrate economic Viagra" into our nations troubled economy.  Ms. Pearl is fragile, she walks with the assistance of a cane and is accompanied by her grandchildren who also bear the wrinkles of laughter and age around their eyes and mouths.  Ms. Pearl is African-American.  I imagine that at some point in the development of her wisdom Ms. Pearl wasn't allowed to punch the ballot.  I imagine that at some point in her life she was told that her opinions were insignificant which inherently suggests that she was too.  It is our opinions, our beliefs, our hope, that carry us through this unbelievable time.  Our hopes, not fears, that inspire us to wait in line for three hours, but allow people like Ms. Pearl to do the honors without waiting.  She has been waiting long enough.  We all have.  I am so proud to experience, in my life, this day where an African-American can stand equally among men, can believe in a nation that has not believed in him for centuries, and can find support from community members across the world.  I am hopeful.  I want Ms. Pearl to experience this equality; to witness this highly qualified man being sworn in as President of the United States of America - for American to finally, truly become united again as a people; not a party, not a color, but people.

Today makes my heart too full.  I am crossing my fingers.  I am so, so, so hopeful.  

Either way, whatever happens, today I am proud to be an American.