Einstein said that one should "try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value."
He was smart guy, but still not smart enough to use gender neutral language. This idea of success and how to define it is always pressing on my heart. How do I know that I have been successful? When will I know?
I question what Einstein would have classified as "value." Does value amount to goodness? Is being good doing the right thing? What is the right thing? Life never stops punching me in the face with questions.
My life has become a terribly stressful attempt to prove myself. I have spent three months on a paper that is still incomplete and that, with deadlines fast approaching, I am turning my nose up at. It isn't good enough. I am not good enough.
22 pages, three months, 400 cups of coffee, and 40 books later, I am still not satisfied.
I do not feel that I have been 'successful' at accurately representing my skills.
When is good enough good enough? How will I measure my success?
What if I don't get accepted to any of these schools?
After all of this work?
I will sit tomorrow with this paper and try to wrap it up. It will then only be the first of many drafts. I have never set out on a task quite as daunting as this. It makes me question my discipline, my drive.
The GRE studying is a totally different. If success is measured by discipline then I am a failure. I have learned new words, but I love words so that isn't hard. I can't do math. My brain, my heart, my spirit - none of which are interested in the Pythagorean theorem.
I have felt, more than anything, like an underachiever lately. I find that my frustration sprouts from my ability to be so easily distracted with feelings and thoughts. My little journal is always begging me to reflect on the day. I feel that discipline helps drive success. How am I supposed to be successful and balance all these emotions that are in me? Hypnotists?
I feel successful as an activist for the first time in my life.
I sponsor my school's Gay/Straight Alliance (GSA) and I have been pretty successful at exciting my students.
I have been successful at ensuring that my students are protected and feel safe to be themselves...whatever that means.
I have come up against slight conflict within my rather conservative school, but surprisingly, have stood strong. I have never been one to back down, but on the same token, have never been one to get myself into conflict that I must stand strong. I don't mind this kind of conflict though - conflict I believe in, conflict that protects my 1st Amendment rights, my student's safety, and awakens the activist in all of my students. It is exciting. I have been successful at this.
Tomorrow I will be attending a candlelight vigil to oppose Proposition 8.
My closest friend at work is a lesbian and has been with her partner for 8 years. They are in love.
More in love than many I have met. Their relationship works better than many straight couples I have known.
Damn sure works better than the relationships that I have been a part of. It is a terrible tragedy to me that this
phenomenal lady can't ceremoniously join in union with the love of her life, simply because the love of her life is also a her.
It is inspiring to me that my students are willing to stand for the fights they believe in and be so selfless at such a young age.
I wish I had been as successful at being a good person at such a young age. It took me a lot longer to realize that the world is much, much larger than me.
Life really is about balance: with understanding the realities of love, with one's self, with ones thoughts, being sure to live deliberately but also indulge in impulse at times, balance of waking and sleeping, work and sanity, reality and daydreaming, doing and being. It is difficult in remembering to give the difficulty of finding balance when looking upon yourself with a critical eye. I do try.
Oh, oh, I am also very good at making Hot Toddy's. That, for sure, is one of my successes.
December 1 = GRE
December 15 = Deadlines for NYU and UT Austin
1 comment:
just remember, einstein would often go on long walks when working to let the ideas roll around and work themselves without conscious effort. then, (a heck of a lot of the time)he would find himself completely lost in his own neighborhood. different nice neighbors and family would find him and lead him back home. so success, to me, is completely relative and you'll surely find your way. you're at least thinking about all this stuff which is more than can be said of most folks.
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